Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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