Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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