i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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