Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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