why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
