i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
