I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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