my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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