I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
