I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
