All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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