I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Randomize
