I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
