Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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