two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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