mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize