so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
