I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
