wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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