What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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