he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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