I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
