Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
