Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
