They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
