Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
