If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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