dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
