Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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