That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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