Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
