I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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