she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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