He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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