On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You dont lie about slip and slides
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
