Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
