How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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