You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
