I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
