apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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