there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There's always time for handjobs
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
