Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize