That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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