Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
