lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
MIDGETS
????
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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