I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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