I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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