Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
MIDGETS
????
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
