I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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