He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
