The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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