On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
