How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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