does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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