In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
