his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
