I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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