we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
