"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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