I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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