i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
