fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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