There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
