4 words: hood of his car
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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