The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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