what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
